H.O.P.E

Dr said
My left knee had too many injuries
I need a ligament repair

Dr said
I should stop my sport routine
For a moment
Until they do my surgery

And I ask
Am I still can running?

Dr said
Yes
But please dont push so hard

Don't push so hard
Don't
Push
So
Hard

Im LOST
Again. . . .

MMC
12 DEC 17

J.I.W.A

Setiap orang pasti ada impian
Impian yang bukan-bukan
Impian yang pelik-pelik
Dan impian yang kau akan dapat masa "AFTER LIFE"

Aku?
Impian aku satu
Tiada siapa dapat tunaikan
Even aku sendiri tidak dapat tunaikan
Melainkan aku ambil jalan pintas

Jalan pintas
Jalan yang paling keji sekali
BUNUH DIRI

Aku adalah yang paling aneh dalam keluarga aku
Tahap depresi aku lebih teruk nak dibandingkan
dengan yang lain
Tapi yang POWER-nya aku ni
Tahap menyembunyikan segala DUKA LARA aku sangat tinggi
Tiada siapa perasan apa yang aku alami 
Melainkan mereka-mereka yang power MEMBACA

2017 
Tahun paling teruk aku alami DEPRESI
Hidup aku terkontang-kanting
Aku cuba kejar balik NABILA yang hilang
Tapi NABILA tetap "LOST"
Even sekarang aku sedang menaip entry ni pun
air mata aku turut mengalir
Sebab SAKIT
Sakit di dada siapa yang tahu?
"Diri sendiri le lahanat!!"

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku nak END UP 
Hidup aku sekarang jugak
Tapi aku tak nak luka kan hati orang yang aku sayang
Siapa lagi kalau bukan keluarga aku
Even diorang tak tahu lansung apa yang aku alami
Sebab aku tak pernah kongsi

Kebiasaannya aku akan kongsi dengan orang luar
Orang luar aku sendiri rasa selesa dengan dia
Dan aku punya 2 3 sahabat yang aku tahu
MEREKA AMAT MEMAHAMI

Kenapa aku masih mengejar sesuatu yang sudah tiada
Kenapa aku masih mahukan Emak dan Ayah aku
Kerana aku masih perlukan mereka
Aku banyak luka kan hati mereka
Even sekarang pun aku masih biarkan Ayah menanggung dosa aku
Aku masih "LOST"

Orang cakap
Kalau kau sayang diorang
Kenapa kau tak tutup aurat?
Kenapa kau berdoa tiap pagi untuk kesejahteraan diorang

Weyh!!
Aku lost lah sial
Kau ingat aku nak ke jadi macam ni
Aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa aku masih begini
Aku bertarung dengan diri sendiri
Kau mana tahu!!

SIAL!!

Kenapa sentiasa aku yang harus faham korang
Korang tak pernah nak faham aku
Korang luka kan hati aku
. . . . Aku TERLUKA . . . .
Sampai aku tak terkata betapa sakitnya Jiwa aku

Sometimes i need someone to hug me
Lend me your shoulder
Wipe my tears
Hear my problems

I founded already
But only for a moment.
And he's gone
Gone baby gone

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku GILA
Adakah aku GILA??
Kau rasa aku GILA??

MUNGKIN

-PERGI MAMPOS-

H.E.A.R.T.B.R.O.K.E.N

I really had a tough time for few years.
I lost my Mother,
I got dumped
I lost my Father
And my dark past 9 years ago
Always chasing me until now
My life turn to upside down

Two years people got rejected to enter my life
Two years I blocked my heart
Two years I walked alone
Two years I tried to recover myself

Today
I want to share my 14 days of happiness
And I use the lyrics from "When I Look At You"
From Miley Cyrus to express my feelings
For you to understand how broken I am

"Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights are long
Cause there is no guarantee
That this is easy"

As we all know that each person
Need an inspiration to motivate their life
One day, I found someone that exactly like me
The Character, Super-Annoying

From that day
We start to know each other
Just 50% and the rest still locked
He is so secretive person
That makes me want to know him more and more

He always asked me one question
Why did I choose him
And I replied two paragraph

"When my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more 
That's when I
I look at you"

You just like a thunder bolt
That light up my life in split seconds
You bring back my happiness
You cheer me up with your childish behaviour
You make me smile again
But
You still scared to share with me your biggest secret

I waiting for it

When our 1st date
Everything going so well
You and I
We lough together
I am so excited to tell you about my Indo Journey
And I know
You can feel the love at that moment
Because i feel the love too

Once again
You asked me that question again
You said that you such a bad guy
You tell me everything
Your past
You said that you're not belongs to me
Because I am a good girl in your eyes
You said that you don't like to judge people
But why judge me?
You don't know me
You don't know my past
You tell me that you just like a
Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

And, why you choose Mr Hyde more than Dr Jekyll?

You can share with me

You can talk to me

"You appear just like a dream to me

Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me

All i need

Every breathe that I breath

Don't you know you're beautiful"

I know

You expect me to leave you

But I choose to stay

Still, You don't have the confidence 

If you don't have the confidence

You'll always find a way not to win

You dumped me

You broke my heart

I try to hold you

But I failed

You asked me to leave

You cried

I LEAVE

And I cried too

This is our accidentally photo together during 113 events 

L.I.M.A J.A.M

Lima Jam
Lima Jam
Lima Jam
Lima Jam
Lima Jam

Lima jam paling bahagia bercampur takut yang aku pernah alami
Bahagia kerana rasa diri sangat disayangi
Rasa macam dunia aku yang punya
Rasa macam aku tidak lagi keseorangan di Plante Pluto
Dan aku juga takut
Takut kehilangan

Kesudahannya
Aku memang kehilangan
Aku kembali sunyi
Aku kosong
Adakala rasa tidak adil
Kenapa selalunya begini
Apa aku tidak layak untuk memiliki kebahagiaan?

Kenapa?

"How recklessly we turn from strangers to lovers, and blindly back to nothing"

25 November 2017
BLACK 14 - MOURN

S.U.I.C.I.D.E

"People who die by suicide don't want to end their life, they want to end their pain"

Most of talented person will end with committed suicide. But in reality what they were trying to kill inside themselves was not their bodies. It was their souls.

Scholars say that a human being is made of three main components. The first components is the body. The second is mind. And the third component is the soul.

And every single person has this longing to feed and fulfill the desires of these three components. Whether they are good desires or whether they are bad desires.

"Suicide doesn't kill people, sadness kills them"

SUBHANALLAH

So you have the body, the mind, the soul. All of us Alhamdulillah fulfill the desires of the body and the two main desires of the body, are as follows.

Food and drink number one. And the second thing is a relationship between a man and a woman Inshaallah in the halal.

Now the mind,the most important thing you need to feed the mind with is food. What kind of food?

Knowledge.

"They tell you to be yourself, then they judge you"

This is the type of food of that comes for the mind and the soul. Is what these talented people were trying to kill inside of themselves.

 They are trying to kill their souls, because it was hungry.

They couldn't feed it. And feeding it is through the obedience of Allah (swt). It's through reciting the Quran. It's through memorizing the Quran. It's through contemplating on the meanings of the Quran. And in the remembrence of Allah (swt). And any act of obedience of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'la.

"Suicide isn't cowardly, I'll tell you what is cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives" -Ashley Purdy-

Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape suffering that has become unbearable. Blinded by feelings of self-loathing, hopelessness, and isolation, a suicidal person can't see any way of finding relief except through death.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" 

"You told me to be happy."

 But despite their desire for the pain to stop, most suicidal people are deeply conflicted about ending their own lives. They wish there was an alternative to suicide, but they just can't see one.

Anyone who tries to kill their self must be crazy. Actually most suicidal people are not psychotic or insane. They must be upset, grief-stricken, depressed or despairing, but extreme distress and emotional pain are not necessarily signs of mental illness. 

"If this is how my life is going to be, I don't want it anymore"

Most suicidal individuals give warning signs or signals of their intentions. The best way to prevent suicide is to recognize these warning signs and know how to respond if you spot them. If you believe that a friend or family member is suicidal, you can play a role in suicide prevention by pointing out the alternatives, showing that you care, and getting a doctor or psychologist involved.

If you think that suicide's selfish then you've obviously never been suicidal. Open your eyes, keep alert of surrounding. they need you and you need them too.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" 

-Dark Room-

Arabellachester

D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N

15 HABITS OF PEOPLE WITH CONCEALED DEPRESSION

Depression is a very serious mental illness that often goes unnoticed for years. People with concealed depression are battling demons within themselves all on their own. They are not sharing their struggles and do not want to burden those around them.

You see, for most people wounds are not something we are open about. We tend to bottle things up and attempt to remedy them on our own. If you are reading this then you must know someone who you feel you need to better understand or you relate to this yourself. The following 15 habits are some of the most common I have noticed in people dealing with concealed depression.

1. The are often quite talented and very expressive.

Alot of famous people have suffered from mental illnesses, and this suffering gives them deeper emotions. If you really think about it, this is in some form a source to their greatness. While we cannot always see it, their struggles are often reflected in their works. These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.

2. They tend to search for purpose.

We all need a purpose in this life. We want to be sure that we are in some form doing meaningful things. People suffering from hidden depression are not exempt from this. They too want to know the reason for their existence. They are much more susceptible to feeling things like inadequacy and anxiety which leaves them searching for something they can never seem to achieve in their own minds.

3. Sometimes they make muted cries for help.

Sometimes we all need help. When we are not expecting someone to feel weak or to be down in the dumps, we don’t see their cries for help. However, if you notice their cries and can help them in any way, you are creating a very close and trust filled bond with them.

4. They interpret substances differently.

Someone who is dealing with depression usually knows what it is they can take to ease their pain in a sense. They know that caffeine and sugar will raise their mood and that some medicines can help them. They actually have to put a lot of effort into feeling better, unlike most people. It is not as simple as taking a Tylenol when you have a headache.

5. They often have a very involved perception of life and death.

People suffering from depression often face their own mortality in moments of despair and seek answers to life’s deepest questions. They tend to shift from one terrible mindset into another. Sure, not all depressed people deal with suicidal thoughts, but some do.

6. They have strange eating habits.

People with depression may not be able to eat much or at all when they are at their worst. That being said some of them may eat more when at their worst. It varies from person to person.

7. They have abnormal sleeping habits.

People with depression will often sleep for what seems like or may literally be days. Sleep at times can be impossible while other times could be the only thing left that the person can do. When a person is depressed they are dealing with a state of helplessness that will rock their world.

8. They have abandonment issues usually.

If you have dealt with abandonment then you know how terrible it can be. When someone walks out of your life it can be a devastating, but this impacts those with depression much more than other people. It causes them to be more and more secretive about their feelings and creates a fear within them of being abandoned by their loved ones.

9. They are professionals at coming up with ‘cover-up’ stories.

They are able to come up with believable elaborate excuses for the things they are going through. Like if they skip an appointment or don’t return your calls for days. They can easily change the subject when things like this come up and turn the attention away from their pain.

10. They might have habitual remedies.

There are several different lifestyle changes a person can make as an attempt to ease their minds. For instance, these people may do things like exercise, listen to music, go walking, and so forth.

11. They are always making efforts to seem happy.

People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come off as happy and normal on the outside. When they let their inner struggles appear on the outside they feel as if they are bringing others down.

12. They seek love and acceptance.

People with hidden depression are not hiding their depression because they want to be dishonest, they are just working to protect their hearts. These people want to be loved and accepted just like everyone else.

13. They have trouble shutting off their brains.

These people process everything going on in their lives at a fast speed. They over analyze the good and the bad making everything impact them much deeper. Their brains are like sponges absorbing everything that comes their way.

14. They hurt when other people hurt.

When other people are suffering it brings them down to their worst points. This sort of thing often triggers their emotional pain and can be crippling.

15. They always think of the worst-case scenarios.

While this is very stressful it can be beneficial from time to time. A high intelligence seems to be linked with depression, and they are able to respond to anything that comes their way. This makes them good problem solvers for the most part.

If you or someone you care about is suffering from concealed depression either get help or offer a helping hand. Fighting this alone is not easy or productive. The world can be a wonderful place if you get the help you need nothing can stand in your way. You are not a burden to others and the people who love and care about you want to help you, let them.

-ANONYMOUS-

T.I.M.E T.R.A.V.E.L M.A.C.H.I.N.E

I need a time travel machine.

So that I can travel back to 2014.

When my both parents still alive.

And take a good care of me.

Now i need to take care of myself.

The struggle is real doe.

It's very hard to act cool in front of people.

It's very hard to be okay.

It's very hard to smile always.

It's very hard to be strong enough.

Cry baby cry.

They don't know how much you try.

Try so hard to fly.

Fly until so high.

By the river.

M.A.I.L 4.T.H

Ini Nadia

Satu-satunya kakak yang aku ada

Dari kecil lagi kami memang tak rapat 

Bergaduh je tapi kadang-kadang ok.

Sejak Ayah meninggal

Adik pulak kami hantar ke KL

Dia ganti tempat Alysha

Tidur sebelah

Padahal bilik dia ada tu

Ya I don't know why

Tapi tak apa

Katil queen ni

Bila dia ada

Aku rasa semak

Bila tiada

Aku rasa kosong

Macam makan

Bila kau makan sorang-sorang dekat luar

Tak sama rasa dia dengan kau makan dekat rumah

Yang ada 5 kerusi kosong

Sunyi sebenarnya

Sejak Emak dan Ayah tiada

Aku rasa sunyi

Mungkin Alang dan Kakcik rasa Benda yang sama

Ya sebab kami bertiga je yang belum kahwin

Bangun tidur

Kerja

Lepak

Balik

Tidur

REPEAT

Everyday

Ok balik cerita kakak aku

Since dia kena transfer Batu Pahat

Coffee Bean ada bukak outlet baru

Dia kena jaga sana for 3 or 4 weeks

Dia terpaksa akur keputusan pihak atasan

Stay sana sorang

Aku sini berdua

Tapi rasa maca duduk sorang

Bila dia off day

Dia balik Melaka

Hari ni 17 February 2017

Hari ni birthday Ateh

I miss Ateh so much
To Ateh
Kenapa kena kerja jauh-jauh
Kenapa kena kerja offshore 
Siapa nak jaga Adik dengan Kakcik?
Alang kerja Muar
Jauh
Semua jauh
Tahun baru tanpa Ayah 
Kami terkontang kanting
Like Patah Sayap tahu?

Well 17 Feb 17
Kakcik rushing nak balik BP
Aku tahu dia shift petang
Dan tiba-tiba aku dapat berita
Kakcik accident
Dia hanya cakap dekat group family
Angah dekat KL terus call kawan dia
Alang? yaa I don't know
Aku? Aku terus masuk kerja
Sebab dah lambat

Everything is okay
Kakcik ok
Yeke?
Ye Kera
Kah Kah Kah
Ohh sorry sorry
Ok serious balik

Masa aku tengah kerja tadi
I'll keep wondering
Kakcik ok ke?
Dia sorang-sorang kat sana lah
Dia menangis ke?
Apa perasaan dia bila sorang-sorang?
Apa yang dia sedang fikirkan

Dan aku terus hilang mood
Sedih
Aku jarang berbual dengan dia
Untuk tahu keadaan dia
Aku kena call kakak ipar aku
Aku tak berani nak tanya dia
Takut
Atau mungkin kalau aku tanya pada dia sendiri
Dia akan rasa tenang
Tapi aku takut
Ego maybe

Aku harap dia ok
Dia kuat kot
Kata anak Komando
Chill lah
Ahh aku pun sama
Chill lah Bella

Bleh Bleh Bleh

P.L.U.T.O

Kenapa Pluto?

Yaa aku ni ibarat Pluto

Pluto yang dulu diisytiharkan sebagai 

The farthest planet 

Dan akhirnya status dia sebagai planet 

Ditarik balik oleh pihak NASA

Kau faham tak?

Ok

Sekarang Pluto ni tiada status

Orang tertanya-tanya

Pluto ni planet ke bintang?

Macam aku

Orang luar tengok aku be like

"Bella ni ok ke tak okay?"

Aku okay

Pluto tu kedudukan dia yang paling jauh

Kau nak pergi dekat Pluto tu

Kena hadap banyak simpang

Liku-liku kehidupan betul

Macam aku

Kau nak selami hati aku pun susah kan

Nak faham diri aku pun susah

Sebab aku sendiri tak faham diri aku sendiri

Macam mana?

Aku ni bukan la complicated sangat

Aku ni cuma tak suka disukai

Bukan rela dibenci

Tidak

Cuma mati hati

Kalau tak faham perumpamaan Pluto ni

Tak payah faham lah

Sebab hujah ni datang masa aku tengah barai tepi sungai

Aku pissed off dengan semua orang

Sebab semua orang rosakkan apa yang aku dah aturkan.

Menyusahkan kepala aku

Tak faham

P/s: Hey Pluto is a planet again!!

I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T

This Is Why She Acts Like She Doesn’t Care, Even Though You’re Secretly Killing Her

She acts like she doesn’t mind it when you take hours to answer her texts or when you cancel plans after she already shaved her skin smooth.

She pretends that she has it all together emotionally, that she has other things to worry about, that you’re incapable of pulling her heartstrings until they unravel.

It’s because she doesn’t want to appear weak. Dependent. Clingy. Desperate.

But the act isn’t for you. Sure, she wants to impress you. She wants you to think highly of her. She wants you to view her as a powerful woman that’s worthy of your time and your love.

But mostly, that act is for her own benefit. She doesn’t want to believe that she needs you. She doesn’t want to admit that some boy has the power to make her crumple into a heap on her bed.

She wants to think that she’s stronger than that. That she’s stronger than the pull of love.

She acts like it doesn’t matter whether or not she ends up with you, because she’s trying to fool herself into believing it’s the truth. That she could exist without you. That you’re just another boy. Not the boy. Not the one. Just another one.

It’s easier to pretend that you mean nothing to her than to admit that you mean everything.

So she puts on a mask and she pretends that she doesn’t care about you, because really, what else is she supposed to do? Is she supposed to call you up, struggling through the tears, because you posted a picture with another girl and she’s worried you’re going to choose her instead?

Is she supposed to blurt out that she thinks she’s falling in love with you, even though you aren’t officially together yet? Is she supposed to allow you to hijack her entire world?

No. That’s not the type of girl she is. She would never let her self-esteem rest on on another. She would never let someone else determine how confident she is, how well her life is going, whether she’s happy with herself.

Because she is happy with herself — whether you like her or not. Whether you text her back or not. Whether you realize her worth or not. So why should she waste her time imagining the other girls you could be kissing? The smiles you could be aiming toward someone else?

There’s no sense in it. None.

So if she feels like you don’t care, because of the abundance of mixed signals and unanswered texts, then she’s going to act like she doesn’t care, either. Because she’s sick of one-sided love. She’s tired of putting in effort that isn’t going to be reciprocated. She’s done doing more than her fair share.

So, if you want her, make it clear that you actually give a damn. Because that’s the only way that she’s going to drop her emotional shield. It’s the only way she’ll ever let the truth out.

And the truth is that she cares. She cares so fucking much it hurts.

-anonymous

M.U.M.M.Y

Ini Mummy
Dia kakak kepada arwah mak aku
Wajah dia saling tak tumpah
Sama dengan wajah arwah mak
Jadi, kalau rindu mak
Tengok la muka Mummy

Hari ni 14 January 2017
Birthday Mummy

Kebetulan kawan aku tanya tarikh hari ni
Kalau dia tak tanya, sumpah aku lupa

Jadi aku call Mummy
Nak wish birthday

Perbualan aku macam ni

B: Assalamualaikum Mummy!
M: Waalaikumusalam
B: Mummy dekat mana?
M: Mummy dekat rumah, kaki mummy sakit lagi
B: Mummy dah keluar hospital?
M: Dah, tapi masih sakit lagi. *suara mummy mula sebak. Aku dengar
M: Billa bila nak datang Ampang?
B: Khamis nanti mummy.
M: Khamis? 
B: Ya, siapa jaga mummy  tu?
M: Kaklong, *sebak dia makin kuat, tapi aku tahu mummy tengah tahan sebak

* perbualan sunyi buat 30 saat. Masing2 sebak rasanya.

M: Ok lah Billa
B: Ok Mummy, assalamualaikum.

Perbualan tamat.

Aku tak tahu.
Mummy sebak sebab apa
Mungkin rindu dekat arwah mak
Atau rindu dekat aku
Atau sedih sebab aku sudah yatim piatu

Aku pun sebak
Sebab
Sunyi

S.T.A.Y

Setiap individu ada 3 karakter

Karakter yang diri sendiri tahu
Karakter teman rapat tahu
Karakter orang luar tahu.

Maksudnya
Orang luar tu
Bukan dalam "circle" kau
Jadi mereka hanya kenal kau
Sebagai pemegang nama dalam IC

Aku
Aku ada pelbagai karakter

Karakter dengan orang luar
Dimana kau hanya "expose"
20% life kau
Yang selebihnya
Simpan

Karakter di tempat kerja
Aku serious
Behave
Keras

Karakter dengan diri sendiri
Aku suka menyendiri
Bila aku bersendiri
Macam-macam yang aku fikirkan
Tapi tiada apa tindakan
Aku masih kosong disitu

Karakter aku dengan keluarga
Aku senyap
Tak banyak cakap
Bila diajak berbual baru berbual
Sepatah sepatah
Bila diajak bergurau
Baru bergurau
Kalau tidak
Aku masih kosong disitu
Mati

Karakter aku dengan teman rapat
Dekat sini karakter aku "PURE"
Aku suka buat orang selesa dengan aku
Aku lebih banyak berkongsi cerita dengan mereka daripada keluarga aku
Sebab apa macam tu?
Sebab selesa
Selesa macam rumah

Jadi
Jika kau nampak aku selesa
Dan kau selesa
Maka kau ibarat rumah
Dan aku selesa tinggal disitu
Aku STAY

DE-KEY

Y.A.N.G K.E 25 T.A.H.U.N

10 JANUARI 2017

Ramai yang tanya
Apa azam aku untuk tahun 2017 ni
Aku jawab "TIADA"
Mereka balas
"Takkan lah takda?" 
"25 tahun kau ulang benda sama?"

Well, banyak benda yang aku ingin kan
Tapi tahun ni aku taknak banyak
Aku hanya nak FAMILY

Hujung Oktober 2016
Aku kehilangan Ayah
Aku hilang seorang teman
Aku hilang tempat bergantung
Aku hilang seorang wali
Aku hilang seorang teman Capricorn

Awal Disember 2016
Aku hilang seorang Abang
Dia merajuk
Aku bukan nak bukak cerita keluarga aku
Tapi ya, aku hilang seorang abang
Walaupun kami jarang berbual
Rasa kehilangan tu tetap ada
Rasa kosong satu kerusi

Masih lagi Disember 2016
Aku hilang teman bergurau di atas katil
Hilang seorang adik
Bukan mati
Tapi kami sebulat suara ingin angah jaga Alysha
Jadi budak KL sekarang
Bukan kami di Melaka tak mahu jaga
Maaf, kami taknak Alysha terabai.
Kau jaga diri dekat sana
Walau aku ni tak suka kau
Tapi sayang tahu sayang?

2016 tanpa Emak
2017 tanpa Ayah dan Alysha

Hari ni
Yang ke 25 tahun
Aku inginkan Keluarga yang lengkap.

B.R.O.K.E.N H.E.A.R.T.E.D

How do you love a broken-hearted girl:

Have a lot of patience. For she is lost, lost in track and in need of your guidance. She acts strong but she isn't. She is so fragile. Why? People in the past damaged her, hurt and left her, and it made her hard and cold. If she needs time for her self, let her. Do not think that she doesn't love you anymore. She needs time for her self. too.

Give love like there is no tomorrow, like every minute is the last minute.

Efforts— very important. Effort makes her feel that she is special and worthy of your time.

Forgiveness— for she will surely make you cry. Make you scream, make you want to give up because of her attitude and mistakes; which she doesn't mean at all.. Still forgive her. She doesn't know what she is doing.

Lastly, stay. Stay no matter how hard the situation is. No matter how messy things get. You will overcome it. Just stay. Don't be like those people who left her before. Stay, she needs you, she just acts like she doesn't.

-anonymous